Blogging is for nerds.

Let me tell you something I have come to understand in the last couple of months. Relationships are hard work.

Of course I dont make life easy for myself by being an idiot. I have the worlds best girl in Inayah Ariffin and I might be on the brink of squandering it. Last night she and I had a fight. It pretty much didn’t need to be a fight. It could have been a really minor thing If I had just said "Sorry babe. My bad." But was I sensible enough to do that? Nope. I was itching for a fight. Even though I was in the wrong.

It happened like this. We agreed that, to quote yours truly "at about midnight or something", we would meet on the internet and her and I would work out some stuff ahead of my planned trip to Malaysia. Anyway at about 2am my phone rings and its Inayah on the other end. Some stuff happened in between making that original agreement and me speaking to her on the phone but long story made shorter: I was still quite a long way from our Internet rendevous at the time she called me. Since I am like a mule that needs a stick to its backside before I will do anything, I decided after said phone call to go home and get on the internet like previously agreed.   

Anyway we get on the internet and its all very formal and polite and there is none of the normal "Sayaaaang! Babykuuuu". But mostly she is going to let me get away with it and I can see that even though she is mad at me, she is going to let it slide without it being a full blown argument. Anyway then, god this really blows my mind with the benefit of hindsight. Then I try to get the argument started. I ask her if she is mad at me. She tells me that she is a little but that its all cool. So i start to take her to task about being a little bit mad at me. As if its unreasonable for her to be a little bit mad at me some 2 and a half hours and an expensive telephone call after our agreed meeting time. I start to try and tell her that arriving at home at 3am is consistant with my earlier statement that I would arrive home "at about midnight or something". I’m sorry but 3am is neither about midnight nor is it something. 12:30 am is about midnight. 1am is about midnight or something. 3am is what is your fucking problem, this girl is perfect for you but you seem intent on upsetting her and causing her to love you less.

In fact despite the fact that I made her wait on the internet for me to finish having fun with my friends and log on to the internet she tried really hard to avoid an argument. I almost seemed to be aiming for an argument. I dunno why. I am positive its not because I dont love her (i do). I am positive its not because I wanted to hurt her (cause I don’t). I think perhaps it is because I am going to be in Malaysia in less then a weeks time and I have alot of stuff to organise and it is all very stressful. Thats the official line I am running with anyway. The truth of it, that I would rather my sayang not know about, is that I am shitting my pants and I think I am taking it out on her despite it not being her fault at all. What lie me?

Anyway this was cathartic. Despite the fact that Inayah will read all of this (and maybe some of it she shouldn’t) I will write more about my relationship with her. Some of it helps me clear my head and work out what I think. Especially if I write it as if I am not writing it to her but about her. Despite the fact that she is one of the few people who will read this and the only person whos opinion I care about. I even made a category called Sayang.